I hit my breaking point last week. Quinn is just under 2 years old and that would mean I haven't slept in approximately two and a half years give or take a few months (if I'm including her horrible pregnancy). Well Quinn's insistence on being more grown up like her big sister has taken over. Bedtime went from the usual 'she never goes to sleep but eventually she does and then wakes up approx 27 times per night' to 'I will scream bloody murder if you put me in that crib so just put me in a twin bed so I can constantly get up and not go to bed until up wards of midnight and/or wake up for the day around 330 am'.
Sounds like the blissful sleeps like a baby parenthood I signed up for. And yet I hate to complain about it constantly so I stopped posting about our sleepless nights on Facebook. I was done with trying to let everyone else feel my pain. In turn I would get people saying 'Oh Quinn must be sleeping better, I haven't seen much on Facebook.' Then they seem surprised when I say it actually is worse most nights.
I started keeping it in.
I started having a short temper.
I started lashing out over things that weren't that big a deal.
Last week, The day before I worked my usual 11 hour shift, Quinn wouldn't sleep. Coupled with that, Kenley (4) wasn't interested either. That night as I laid with them as they finally went to sleep more than 3 hours past bedtime, I cried. I held them close and cried as they fell asleep.
Even as I write this I tear up because I can remember that feeling of defeat. It's that moment in parenthood where you just want to take everything back and start over. Maybe they would be different if I didn't co-sleep, or breast feed, or do controlled crying. I just felt lost.
Well in just a weeks time I am past the point of defeat. I am at the peak of frustration. Like really, how many fucking times can I tell my 4 year old to stop making my almost 2 year old do things she doesn't want to, or to stop trying to one up her, or to stop being outright disobedient to the point I actually believe she is being possessed by the snotty little 13 year old version of me. And no this isn't life karma, it just a 4 year old.
Tonight when she ran to brush her teeth practically knocking Quinn over cause she had to be there first, then by a hair missing her fingers as she slammed the bath room door shut, I HAD IT!
I am actually uncertain how they made it to bed with out me cursing in their faces. It was the most mad I've ever been. It wasn't the loudest, but definitely the most angry. And I think they knew it. Kenley apologized for being misbehaved all day and Quinn laid down right away. They went fast to sleep and I haven't heard a peep.
As much as I'm less than thrilled that it happened, this is the first time in the last month that I get to decide my bedtime, and not have to base it on whether or not my kids feel like sleeping. This is the first time in a month I actually have time to hang out with my husband. Too bad he's gone to the Moosehead's game with my mom, (*swoon*). So while people want to say, oh that's just part of parenting, I really would love to throw a throat punch. Please don't tell me that your kid was that way till they were 5 cause that just makes me more on edge, or thank goodness your kid doesn't do that cause you couldn't handle it. Guess what? Neither can I.
The thing kids don't get, and even some adults, is that sometimes things are fucking shitty. Sometimes I'm a bitch, and sometimes my kids are bitches too. We will get through it, cause we have to. We will blow up and be mean parents because sometimes to recharge your parental battery you need things to just work out. You need them to go to bed and at least try to sleep so you don't blow a gasket when they do something that isn't really a big deal. Am I overdue on that time? Of course, I think already Quinn owes me about 11 months of uninterrupted sleep.
So let's be honest. Am I a mean mom? Actually no. Well, sometimes. Do I yell and scream at them from time to time, yes. Have I ever turned the TV up and then went to my bathroom, closed the door and screamed? Yup. Did that too. Have I given time outs for things that any normal rested parent wouldn't have? Yes. But I am human. I am a mother, and I am just doing what I do to get through the shitty days so I can enjoy the good ones. And there will be good ones.
-Natalie
"There will be so many times you feel like you've failed, but in the eyes of your child, you are Super Mom." - Stephanie Precourt
Sounds like the blissful sleeps like a baby parenthood I signed up for. And yet I hate to complain about it constantly so I stopped posting about our sleepless nights on Facebook. I was done with trying to let everyone else feel my pain. In turn I would get people saying 'Oh Quinn must be sleeping better, I haven't seen much on Facebook.' Then they seem surprised when I say it actually is worse most nights.
I started keeping it in.
I started having a short temper.
I started lashing out over things that weren't that big a deal.
Last week, The day before I worked my usual 11 hour shift, Quinn wouldn't sleep. Coupled with that, Kenley (4) wasn't interested either. That night as I laid with them as they finally went to sleep more than 3 hours past bedtime, I cried. I held them close and cried as they fell asleep.
Even as I write this I tear up because I can remember that feeling of defeat. It's that moment in parenthood where you just want to take everything back and start over. Maybe they would be different if I didn't co-sleep, or breast feed, or do controlled crying. I just felt lost.
Well in just a weeks time I am past the point of defeat. I am at the peak of frustration. Like really, how many fucking times can I tell my 4 year old to stop making my almost 2 year old do things she doesn't want to, or to stop trying to one up her, or to stop being outright disobedient to the point I actually believe she is being possessed by the snotty little 13 year old version of me. And no this isn't life karma, it just a 4 year old.
Tonight when she ran to brush her teeth practically knocking Quinn over cause she had to be there first, then by a hair missing her fingers as she slammed the bath room door shut, I HAD IT!
I am actually uncertain how they made it to bed with out me cursing in their faces. It was the most mad I've ever been. It wasn't the loudest, but definitely the most angry. And I think they knew it. Kenley apologized for being misbehaved all day and Quinn laid down right away. They went fast to sleep and I haven't heard a peep.
As much as I'm less than thrilled that it happened, this is the first time in the last month that I get to decide my bedtime, and not have to base it on whether or not my kids feel like sleeping. This is the first time in a month I actually have time to hang out with my husband. Too bad he's gone to the Moosehead's game with my mom, (*swoon*). So while people want to say, oh that's just part of parenting, I really would love to throw a throat punch. Please don't tell me that your kid was that way till they were 5 cause that just makes me more on edge, or thank goodness your kid doesn't do that cause you couldn't handle it. Guess what? Neither can I.
The thing kids don't get, and even some adults, is that sometimes things are fucking shitty. Sometimes I'm a bitch, and sometimes my kids are bitches too. We will get through it, cause we have to. We will blow up and be mean parents because sometimes to recharge your parental battery you need things to just work out. You need them to go to bed and at least try to sleep so you don't blow a gasket when they do something that isn't really a big deal. Am I overdue on that time? Of course, I think already Quinn owes me about 11 months of uninterrupted sleep.
So let's be honest. Am I a mean mom? Actually no. Well, sometimes. Do I yell and scream at them from time to time, yes. Have I ever turned the TV up and then went to my bathroom, closed the door and screamed? Yup. Did that too. Have I given time outs for things that any normal rested parent wouldn't have? Yes. But I am human. I am a mother, and I am just doing what I do to get through the shitty days so I can enjoy the good ones. And there will be good ones.
-Natalie
"There will be so many times you feel like you've failed, but in the eyes of your child, you are Super Mom." - Stephanie Precourt