A little over three years ago, all of my cousins lost their uncle. It was unexpected and the grief, near instant. The day I lost my father.
There was no sign of what was to come, we did the things that were necessary when life sends you down that path. There was no time to prepare, to try and make up for time lost, to know what might happen before it actually did. For that I will be forever grateful and here's why.
I spent six and a half hours today living in an alternate reality. Did the things that needed to be done because they needed to be done. What I didn't realize is that my family hasn't been on the edge of limbo, we have been (and still are) right smack in the middle. When things in life gets tough, I don't mean your kid won't sleep or you lost your job, I mean really tough, you will find yourself in emotional limbo.
I have four aunts, one of whom is very sick. One that my mother and I tried for six ish hours to make feel comfortable. To feel more happy, less anxious. We now find ourselves here. In a situation where, in light of the circumstances, I crack jokes because what might happen seems too hard to imagine. We sit. We think of the fun times in hopes of having more again someday. Then it happens, the limbo. The perspective of limbo. I wish we had more time, why didn't we do this, I'm so glad we are close, if we were less so maybe I wouldn't feel this way, if we only acted sooner, why me, why us, why her?
It is agony, it is torturous, it is hell on the way to heaven. Why is this so hard?
Limbo is an uncertain period. This is where my family waits. Where my uncle waits, where my cousins wait. This is not fair, uncertainty usually isn't. Well this is what I am certain of:
I am certain that I will cry.
I am certain that many of my family members reading this will also cry.
I am certain life will go on.
And I am certain it just won't be the same when it does.
My certainties for three people in particular.
You are enough.
You have done enough.
You have loved enough.
Your wife knows you love her.
Your mother knows you love her.
She IS your best friend.
She will ALWAYS be your best friend.
You will think of memories with happiness and regret but I assure you, no one else sees that regret but you. Time is not being kind to you. You never realize there aren't enough hours until they start being counted. Well I am telling you, it is time to stop counting hours.
Let's get lost in how many times we can say I love you. Let's think about how, for some reason, those three words seem to mean more now than they ever did before. Let's talk about the good times now, AND let's talk about them later because time won't change the memories and you will soon see, once the perspective comes into focus, that the good memories ARE the ones that matter most.
So let's try and get out of limbo. It is so hard, but even if only for a few minutes a day. Even though this isn't the way we would chose life to be, it is. So I love you, I love her, and I love the life that allowed me to have all my good memories with her, and the time left to make more.